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One Response to “Any suggestions on my story?How I can make it better?Arragement of paragraphs?Description?Any suggestions?”
it seems very strained and extremely difficult to read – as early as the third sentence it doesn’t read easily ” I did not awake to the woman above me singing and the scrape of her shoes on the flagstone pavement outside of my window, or the sounds of traffic on the streets” – a very jumbled way of looking at things
also you are trying far too hard to describe things – “A yellow ray from the risen sun fell across the foot of the bed and lightened up the room”
sorry but that was as far as i got – just couldn’t go on reading it – too confused and much too hard work to try and understand it
i would suggest you read a few of the classics – austen, alcott, shakespeare etc to get much more of a feel of how good writers express themselves and then try again
November 11th, 2009 at 7:12 am
rosalie
it seems very strained and extremely difficult to read – as early as the third sentence it doesn’t read easily ” I did not awake to the woman above me singing and the scrape of her shoes on the flagstone pavement outside of my window, or the sounds of traffic on the streets” – a very jumbled way of looking at things
also you are trying far too hard to describe things – “A yellow ray from the risen sun fell across the foot of the bed and lightened up the room”
sorry but that was as far as i got – just couldn’t go on reading it – too confused and much too hard work to try and understand it
i would suggest you read a few of the classics – austen, alcott, shakespeare etc to get much more of a feel of how good writers express themselves and then try again